marriage

Don’t let the storms of life wash your marriage away

By Erin Smalley

Regardless of where you are in your marriage journey or what issues come your way, here are few tips to help keep you united through the storms of life.

In this lifetime, we will all face challenges and storms — it’s a part of the journey. Jesus acknowledged this reality when He was talking with His disciples before the Crucifixion. He clarified for them, ” I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Even country music recognizes this truth. One of Randy Travis’ first hit songs was called “The Storms of Life,” which laments “The storms of life are washin’ me away.”

Beyond the typical storms of life, if you are married, you know there are additional challenges that come your way. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:28 (NIV), “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that marriage is the greatest gift God ever gave my husband, Greg, and me. However, there are days, weeks, and even months of challenges that come with this gift. Over the past 25 years, Greg and I have faced health challenges, repeated moves, seasons of conflict, the stress of completing post-graduate studies — and the list goes on. How about you? What have storms looked like in your marriage? Have you struggled with marital disagreements, sexual difficulties, health issues, or the pain of infidelity? Or have you faced difficulties that came from external sources — from outside your marriage — such as work-related issues, meddling in-laws, aging parents, a rebellious teen, or a natural disaster? Regardless of where the challenge may have come from, it has the potential to impact a marriage relationship. Although we may not have the option to choose our storm, we can decide if it will lead us to deeper intimacy with the Lord and with each other.

As human beings, we don’t have to go looking for difficult seasons because they seem to find us all on their own. However, as believers, we need to recognize that we have an enemy, Satan, who has calculated plans to destroy the unity in our marriage. The Enemy has been described for us in John 10:10 when Jesus says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

Yes, we have an enemy seeking to destroy us, but the great news about marriage is that God gives us a life-long partner, a best friend, a journeying buddy with whom we can face life’s difficulties and withstand the Enemy. Unfortunately, rather than seeing our husband or wife as a support in the storms, we can begin to see our spouse as the “difficulty” or even the “enemy.” When we recognize the true source of our stress, we can face the challenge and fight the real Enemy together. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV) reminds us of the benefits of doing life with another person:

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lies down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

One couple chooses how to face their storm

Shannon and Chris sat with tears streaming down their faces. They were so young, still in their 20’s and married only 20 short months. And now they were facing something that no one would want to face in a lifetime. A few months earlier Shannon and Chris had been ecstatic to announce their first pregnancy. Then they were thrilled to learn they were having a son. Chris had always dreamed of having a boy so he could teach him his favorite sport — hockey. But life came crashing down around this young couple when their doctor called to discuss more results from their latest ultrasound. The doctor explained, “More than likely your baby has a genetic disorder that is incompatible with life.”

Since that time, Greg and I have been in awe as we’ve watched Shannon and Chris navigate this very difficult road together. They have intentionally chosen to face this storm as a strong, enduring couple — trusting God in His faithfulness and choosing to pursue Christ’s hope, joy, and peace in all their circumstances. The manner in which they have chosen to walk together — unified — through this heart-wrenching season has forever impacted and encouraged my husband and me.

Facing the storms of life together

But how does any couple stand united like Shannon and Chris? How does any married couple face challenges together? Regardless of where you are in your marriage journey or what issues come your way, here are few tips to help keep you united through the storms of life:

Acknowledge that life will always have challenges. There is something powerful about simply acknowledging that there will be challenges in this lifetime. Yes, you will struggle. Yes, you will have emotions of grief and sadness. But thankfully, you will also have each other. As Christian couples, we are called to walk these seasons with joy. With Christ in us, we can experience peace, joy, and forgiveness through the power of the Holy Spirit — even in the storms of life.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds.” — James 1:2

Recognize the real enemy. Often when a crisis hits, couples will begin to view each other as the problem or the cause of the storm. The truth is that the real enemy, Satan,wants to divide you from your spouse because he hates marriage and will do everything he can to cause disunity.

“Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will stand.” — Matthew 12:25

Even if your husband or wife has made poor choices that may have had a negative impact on you personally or on your marriage, remember that Satan would love for you to turn and run from your relationship. Ask God to lead and guide your steps — let Him hold the outcome of your marriage in His hands.

Turn toward God and trust Him. The Lord will never leave you nor forsake you. He is waiting for you to turn toward Him in your time of need. Remember that He has your best in mind — it may not be what you had in mind, but you can trust Him with all your circumstances.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” —Deuteronomy 31:6

Keep your heart open and don’t lose hope. Will you walk through the storms of life bitter and angry or with an open heart? A heart that is closed runs the risk of hardening, and a hardened heart causes a husband or wife to behave in ways that are not true to his or her character. Horrible decisions are often made as a result of a closed heart.

“He said to them, ‘Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning, it was not so.’ ” — Matthew 19:8

It is essential that we recognize the well-being of our heart is our personal responsibility so we don’t expect our spouse to do a job he or she was never created to do. We can each maintain a heart that is alive and full if we will turn to Christ to lead us to forgiveness, peace, and restoration.

Surround yourself with a faithful community, and seek outside help when needed. Don’t be afraid to seek help from a godly community of friends and family. Greg and I regularly say, “It takes a village to raise a marriage.” This is especially true during times of crisis and storms.

“Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” — 1 Thessalonians 5:11

And don’t hesitate to get help from a counselor if you feel your marriage is in need of outside assistance.

Don’t let the storms of this life wash your marriage away! Yes, storms will come, but you can choose whether they will strengthen you and your marriage or create disunity between you and your spouse.

© 2017 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. Used with permission. Originally published at focusonthefamily.com
Erin Smalley serves in the Marriage and Family Formation department at Focus on the Family. She is a co-author of The Wholehearted Wife.

Believing the best about your spouse

By: Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

When you decide to view your spouse as a good-willed person, that perspective changes your entire relationship. Even in the middle of the conflict, you can see each other as partners and friends.

I leave wet towels where they don’t belong. I leave a loaf of bread on the counter. I leave the cupboard doors open.

I have an excuse, of course: I am mentally preoccupied. As my wife, Sarah, says, “He is always thinking.” Sometimes I stun myself by what I do or don’t do.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not a pig. But I am married to Sarah, who is the epitome of neatness and cleanliness, and I flunk by her standards. She is not a perfectionist, but she is logical. Why leave a towel on the bed when a rack is in the bathroom waiting for the towel? Why leave a cupboard door open when the hinge functions both ways? Over the years I have made a conscious effort to curb this tendency.

Fortunately for me, Sarah has not concluded that I am out to irritate her. And though she has reminded me thousands of times to put things away, she has never said, “If you really love me, you would listen to me.” She knows I am thinking of other things and am on autopilot as I come and go.

Sarah is able to see me in a positive light because she has decided to trust in my good intentions toward her and our marriage. She has chosen to see me as a good-willed spouse.

It’s your choice

My wife’s positive perspective is something we need in order to have a healthy, mutually satisfying marriage. This attitude helps avoid the buildup of tension in a relationship and creates an atmosphere of love and respect. Even when a mate messes up, we can choose to believe in the goodwill of our spouse. After all, no one gets married thinking, I want to make my spouse miserable. Nearly everyone enters marriage with the very best of intentions.

Unfortunately, when we feel unloved or disrespected, we often start judging motives rather than seeing the person’s best intent. So whenever our spouse’s good intentions fail to produce loving or respectful actions, we have a choice: to believe the best about our spouse or to question his or her heart.

Let’s say, for example, you have to leave early in the morning and you haven’t had time to fill the car with petrol. Your spouse promises to go out and take care of it. The next day, as you are rushing to leave home, you find the gauge on “empty,” and you feel a surge of anger. In the next few moments, you can choose to believe your spouse “just doesn’t care,” or you can choose to believe your spouse made an honest mistake.

Slow to judge

But here’s the rub. Though we are good-willed people, sin still holds us in its grip. We all have moments when we are selfish, needy, or even mean and spiteful. When your spouse shows his or her sinful side, it is easy to label him or her as “evil-willed.” But your spouse’s temporary nastiness must be distinguished from evil character.

Your angry spouse might temporarily not wish you well, but these exceptions don’t do away with your spouse’s overall character and good intentions. You can still choose to see the best in your spouse. And when you sit down to discuss his or her actions in a respectful and loving way, you’ll probably discover that the unloving behavior was triggered by an emotional wound or unmet need. Most anger and meanness in marriage stems from pain or disappointment, not malice.

Once you decide to see each other as good-willed people, it changes your perspective and the filter through which you view your relationship. Whether you’re arguing over sex or taking out the bins, you can rehearse what you know to be true: “He’s a good-willed man.” “She’s a good-willed woman.” Even in the middle of the conflict, you can see each other as partners, allies, and friends.

 

Portions of this article were adapted from "Love and Respect" and "The Language of Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, published by Thomas Nelson Publishers. Used with permission. © 2016 Focus on the Family. All rights reserved.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is an internationally known public speaker on the topic of marriage, parenting, communication and more. Based on over three decades of counselling as well as scientific and biblical research, Dr. Eggerichs developed the Love and Respect Marriage Conference which he presents to live audiences around the country. This dynamic and life-changing conference is impacting the world, resulting in the healing and restoration of countless relationships. Dr. Eggerichs has authored several books, including Love and Respect, which is a New York Times bestseller, Platinum and Book of the Year Award winner, and has sold over 1.6 million copies. Emerson and his wife, Sarah, reside in Grand Rapids, Mich., and have three grown children. He is the founder and president of Love and Respect Ministries.